We often find, in relationships, that once the initial phase of attraction where we are intoxicated with each other fades out it can feel like something is missing within our relationships.
There are unmet needs that we feel frustrated and perhaps even annoyed by. At this point, we try our best to communicate our needs with our partner, yet often, this can come across as criticism. Almost like you are telling your partner they are ‘not good enough’ because they are not completely fulfilling you.
Of course, in any healthy relationship, you should be able to express your needs and have your partner respond positively. Yet often, we find ourselves with a bottomless pit of unmet emotional needs that we expect our partner to satiate. But it’s not actually your partner’s job to “fill you up” – that’s your job.
Many people become overly dependent on their partner. In this sense, expecting them to “complete” them. The truth is, without the missing ingredient, it will be very hard to feel complete.
The ingredient we will be talking about, of course, is that of “self love”.
In many marriage and family therapy sessions, you will find the topic of nurturing your inner child and loving yourself, rather than expecting other people to do this for you, come up. Indeed, this can often be the foundation of therapy.
Therefore, in this article, we’re going to have a look at what is meant by self love. We’ll also look at some practical ways to nurture your inner child, and fill your own bucket. This will help you have more fulfilling and stable relationships, particularly if parenting is testing your intimate relationship.
Filling Your Own Bucket
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus, talks about the concept of love tanks and how it’s our job to fill our love tanks. Meaning, you need to provide for yourself emotionally, so that your love tank is overflowing. Two people with overflowing love tanks spill out to each other, and create a very warm, happy, and secure relationship.
Yet, if your love tanks are depleted, you are almost recruiting someone to come in an fill your tank. In this sense, it can feel like two thirsty people in the desert, both clambering for water. And that’s when things can become toxic quite quickly.
You therefore must focus on filling up your own bucket. And then, with the leftover love, that all comes splashing out in abundance – that’s what you throw over each other. If you are dried up, like a drought, then there’s not going to be much love to throw around. You’re both going to be chronically thirsty.
A Recipe For Codependency
In essence, if you don’t have an adequate supply of self-love, you’re going to require a partner to ‘fill you up’..
This is, a very common issue and there’s nothing wrong if you feel this way. But it is a recipe for codependency. Whilst a certain amount of dependency on each other can be a positive thing, codependence is when we tend to engage in shadow behaviour to get what we want, often making us quite manipulative in relationships.
The Rollercoaster Ride
This puts you in a vulnerable situation emotionally. If you’re dependent on someone else to make you feel good then your world is no longer in your control. You are in some ways, giving someone else all the power, and therefore your emotional life will be a rollercoaster, dependent on what you are getting from your partner.
The only way to step off the rollercoaster, is to start filling yourself up, and having more self love.
The Emotional Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem
The world seems to be suffering with an emotional epidemic of low self-esteem, low self-worth and low-confidence. The challenge is, we often look to external solutions to solve internal challenges and go around thinking if we just get a flatter stomach, an increase in salary, a promotion at work, or even a particular person. Then, we’ll feel better; but this logic is backward.
These external things tend to fulfill us in the short-term, but this is short-lived and we are always left wanting more… a better approach is to look at this from an inside-out perspective; finding ways to love and accept ourselves. Here are three tips on how to love yourself from the inside out.
#1: Stop Trying To Fill The Void
We’re all guilty of distracting ourselves from our feelings, particularly if we are in some sort of emotional pain, yet this level of distraction can turn into addictive behaviour where we reach for external things to help us cope with the hole we feel in our heart.
It’s very easy to chase after things, or people, in order to fill the void within – and often when we do this, we don’t find ourselves in very nourishing or rewarding situations. The best approach, therefore, is to accept the feelings you feel and look at ways to work through your feelings rather than skirt around them.
#2: Stop Doing That Which Hurts You
There’s normally a trigger that causes physical pain — for instance, if you sit at a desk all day in an uncomfortable chair, you’re likely to get back pain,and the same is true of emotional pain.
In a nutshell, you want to avoid the activities that cause you to feel upset, and in this sense, stop doing that which hurts you. If a particular person or activity aggravates you to the point it makes you feel low self-esteem, then you will want to consider avoiding that in your life.
#3: Get Rid Of Negative People
It’s important you surround yourself with quality people that uplift and nurture you to be the best version of yourself. We all need a support network, and being around those who “get us” and like us for being who we are is a much more uplifting experience than being dragged down by negative people.
